My Choice Left Me Alone

Updated: Apr 19, 2020

Submitted by J.N

was sixteen years old the first time I had sex. It wasn't a great expirience but who's first time is. He made me promise not to tell anyone because he had a girlfriend, I thought he liked me and that they were done. I walked home, confused, really confused, my body felt weird and my mind was all over the place. I confided in my friend about what happened, she told enough people for it to get back to "him" by the time I saw him before 6th period the next day.

I was so nervous as he walked towards me and kinda excited because I really liked him. I smiled and said hi as he punched me right in my mouth and walked away. I've never repeated what he said to me that day. I lied to everyone about why my lip was busted because I was too ashamed to tell the truth.

I remember taking the test alone, in the Walmart bathroom while my Mom shopped.

When I saw the two blue lines, I tried to deny it to myself but I knew and I knew that my body had been feeling things that it never felt before. Over the next few days I cried until I was empty. I eventually told my Mom, we found out I was 3 monthes pregnant and that abortion was still an option. My mom started to schedule an appointment for abortion...she looked at me as I sat quiet with my head down. She asked me was I ok. What a question. She never asked what I wanted but she knew I was unsure...

She followed her motherly instinct enough to ultimatly tell me that if I kept my baby I would no longer have a place to live. I sat there feeling devastated and angry...again confused. I was angry that she wasnt giving me a choice, I know I made the mistake but my baby is still inside of me growing and my baby doesnt deserve for me to sign a paper 5mins after I find out it even exist.

I left my Mom's house 3 weeks later with nothing accept $400 I had been saving for a year for a car. I delivered my baby in the hospital by myself, lived in shelters, then lived in my car I eventually bought from working at a daycare with my baby. Somehow through the grace of God I got a low income 1 bedroom for my daughter and I. Today she is 5 years old me, I just turned 21, we are doing ok, we are happy and we have what we need to make it and I thank God everyday.

I never thought I would share this part of my life with anyone other than my very close friends. I saw a post that Katherine posted on IG from looking at a friend of mines account. The post kind of hit me hard so I inboxed her and she encouraged me to think about what I realled wanted, we talked about forgiveness and healing and what that looks like for me. I just started counseling and I'm happy to be Finishing HER, not just for me but for my baby. I'm still working on forgiving my Mom but I can tell its coming. God's grace has been with my dauhter and I and I know it will continue to be.

annomous J.N

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