Letter To Him

Updated: Apr 19, 2020

When I found out he was dead I just stared, but so many things ran through my head....so I'll start there...

Therapy was one of the best decisions for me that year. All of the things I'd been holding in, the things that had been making me ill, the secrets and memories - - were now sitting right there in front of me.

I had a choice.

Look it dead in the face and take from it MORE THAN just wounds and heart break or I could continue to play small and let it diminish me. I'm too tall to play small to anything, so after years of hiding, I looked it all dead in the face...

I can only be honest and tell you that healing is truly ugly but it's immaculately glorious.

I wrote this letter in therapy-- the beautiful flowers coming out this envelope represent the freedom and the change in perspective I received after writing this letter.

I'm sharing my heart with you today in hopes that it pushes you to face your own truth...find your own healing.

My abuser had been dead for several years, but stuck in fear, I allowed him to stay with me.

It wasn't forgiving my abuser that was the problem, it was forgiving myself for having to look at the same scars everyday...inside and out.

When I found out he was dead I just stared, but so many things ran through my head....so I'll start there...

--I remember thinking that I didn't have to be afraid anymore that you were going to come back, like you said you would. And then a couple of days later feeling sad that you didn't get a chance to truly be happy.

"Whatever happened to you, created in you a monster, broken by the rules of hate. I understand that whatever happened to you ravaged your spirit and created a masked violent rage in you. And you took your mask off with me."

And I understand that you were screaming inside but you felt no one heard you.

I also understand, that what you did then was create a home for yourself inside of me, physically, emotionally and mentally.

And even though you aren't here I've still allowed you to stay here.

So, no, we can no longer coexist together. You can't reside here anymore. You no longer stay here.

The thing is ---I believe in leaving people better then how I found them. I truly do. And so all of this time I've been holding on to you, trying to find a point of connection with you other than rage.

Because, even when I try not to love, it doesn't work. I hate what you did to me but I could never hate you and I decided that that is good enough for me.

So you no longer stay here anymore.

And as you taught me, there are rules to engagement. And so to allow you to stay with me would be internal violence and I decided that I love myself to much to allow that to continue.

So you no longer stay here anymore.

I've been ever swiftly moving trying to escape the residue of you.

But I'm not moving anymore, you're moving.

So you no longer stay here anymore.

And because you no longer stay here anymore...

What you said to me no longer stays here anymore...

What you did to me no longer stays here anymore...

The way you made me feel no longer stays here anymore.

You are no longer here. I am free.

"I decided not to settle until I took back what was mine!"

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